An immigrant’s guide to making friends in New York
Written by Edil Cuepo
Me (far right) with other members of the NWNY volunteer team.
Even for an extrovert like myself, moving to a new place initially meant having zero friends, zero confidence, and zero fun. Back home in Manila, my friends had been my security blanket since I was a child. No matter what happened in my life I always knew I had them. It was not until I moved thousands of miles away from them that I experienced having no sense of community — other than my family — for the first time. Back in the Philippines, I had a big group of friends and never had to celebrate special days by myself or spend bad days alone. In contrast, my first few months in the US were long and lonesome.
My family moved from the Philippines to Pomona, a town in Rockland County in upstate New York. I knew no one close to me — a common experience for many immigrants — and was afraid things would stay that way forever. In the beginning, I was sure people my age already had life-long friends and wondered who would want to be friends with an immigrant like me. At the time, I had already finished school and felt I had no real means of building meaningful friendships.
After I arrived in the US, my situation wasn’t ideal. I lacked a proper visa and couldn’t work. I had no car or driver’s license so I had no means of getting around. Like many recent college graduates, I also lacked financial stability. These combined circumstances contributed to my social isolation, and I used them as justification for a looming depression.
Sometimes being in a seemingly hopeless situation can make it hard to think straight. It took several months of sulking at home alone before I finally decided to get out of my misery, take action, and put myself back in control. Here are some of the ways I learned to make friends as a new arrival in New York; I hope they will help other recent immigrants find new friends.
Learn how to commute and get around
Learning my options of how to get around was one of the most liberating experiences I had after moving to New York. I quickly learned I could not depend on others to drive me around — I had no friends yet — and I quickly realized I needed to be self-sufficient and independent. The experience of commuting by public transportation has the potential to be a rewarding adventure in itself.
Once I realized this, I became more familiar with where I lived and was soon able to go to the mall or to Manhattan by myself. I learned to keep bus schedules and subway maps in my bag at all times. I smiled and greeted the bus driver each time I got on and made small talk with other friendly faces. I developed an appreciation for every interaction I had with others. The world began to feel lighter.
Find something to do and commit to it
I found that filling in my calendar with some type of activity was a great way to shift my focus from my own self-pity onto more interesting things. It is important to be able to look forward to a particular event, especially when settling into a new country.
Finding a job, taking up a hobby, or doing volunteer work can make a big difference. Keeping yourself busy is key. I learned that the more I isolated myself, the sadder I felt and the less productive I eventually became. Although it can be challenging, try to find things to do out of the house — you never know what it may lead to. Initially, I applied for a retail job that agreed to pay me off the books. While at this job I made many wonderful friends, including my co-workers and regular customers. This job was also a great opportunity for me to practice my English and helped me to discover my knack for sales.
Visit places that make you feel at home
In difficult times, visiting places that remind you of home can be comforting. These places can be anywhere, religious or secular, such as the library, parks, places of worship, or even the mall. These kinds of spaces can be a good venue to clear your mind and reconnect with people who share the same values.
“I made friends in my church and the church’s college ministry,” says Samantha Aquino, a Filipino immigrant. “My family and I attended Every Nation church in the Philippines, so the transition to the Every Nation Church in NYC and building relationships there was almost seamless. It is important that you are surrounded by people who keep you grounded.”
For Gatchalian, another immigrant from the Philippines who lived in California before coming to New York, spending more time in school was a way for her to find stability.
“I gravitated toward the international kids in my program, but eventually made friends with locals as well,” Gatchalian says. “In a way, we were all mostly foreign to New York so most people were looking to have friendships.”
Use the power of social media
When I moved to New York, Facebook was just becoming popular. Through social media, I connected with several people who lived close to me. After exchanging messages, we would arrange a time to meet. Though it may not feel comfortable at first, approaching strangers can have huge payoffs. When putting yourself out there and getting to know someone new, there’s nothing to lose and everything to gain (so long as safety remains a priority).
Finding new friends can be similar to dating. Some people may be a great match while others are not. Just like dating, there’s no need to force yourself to stay in touch with anyone when there’s no connection. Keep in mind that finding and gaining new friends requires keeping an open mind and heart, and a genuine interest in getting to know others.
When you meet someone you enjoy spending time with, try to plan your next activity together before parting ways. Always bridge the “next meet up” as a means of building a friendship. Don’t be afraid to invest time and effort in the beginning, it can make all the difference in deciding whether this person becomes a real friend or just remains an acquaintance.
Stay informed and visit places of interest
Though it’s easy to feel insecure in a new place and doing things outside the comforts of home can be scary, there are many ways to branch out and create a niche for yourself.
Luckily, quality time with a new friend does not have to be expensive. New York City has plenty of things to do — for free. Refer to websites like NYC & Company and The Skint for free events, tours, museums and attractions. One fun thing to do with a new friend is enroll in free class or workshop you both are interested in, like New Women New Yorkers’ LEAD program. It’s a great way to get to know one another, support each other, and enjoy each other’s company.
No matter how scary making new friends can be — particularly when there is a language and/or cultural barrier — have courage in knowing you are not alone. So many immigrants and “city newbies” are experiencing the very same things and it is likely they are also waiting to meet a cool friend like you. Allow yourself to let go of worries and have fun.
